1.

The term “collective culture” a term I use quite frequently. Many of my readers may be acquainted with this term but for the sake of those who need the definition, here it is. I first learned about this concept in college whilst studying psychology. A Collectivist culture is a culture that focuses on the needs of the many and not just the individual therefore customary tradition and community-based identity supersedes individual identity (in most, if not all things).

The title of this post also needs its own definitions, and I am using the online Cambridge dictionary definition for both terms. Reciprocity means “behavior in which two people or groups of people give each other help and advantages or a situation in which two groups agree to help each other by behaving in the same way or by giving each other similar advantages”. Quid Pro Quo means “something that is given to a person in return for something they have done or something that you give to someone in return for them giving something back to you”.

2.

The very thick and yet thin line that exists between these two terms has been my saving Grace, let me explain. One of the many culture shock moments I experienced living in the US was the “allergic reaction” people had towards acts of kindness, especially when they are “out of the blue”.

My mother and by my collectivist culture taught me to view others as part of a human family, so giving comes with that. It was both an obligation and a responsibility. My mother especially taught me to ENJOY giving, which changes everything because when you are a “cheerful giver”, it makes it even better as my mother believed. I jokingly call her Jesus’ sister lol, because giving oozes out of her. As I matured and adapted to living in US culture, I learned (the hard way) that an unhealthy understanding of either term (reciprocity vs. quid pro quo) leads to an unbalanced experience of one’s inner power.

3.

This unbalanced experience leads to deep hurt and if you are willing to see it for what it is, t leads to amazing growth. Both terms require clear boundaries! In regard to Reciprocity, giving and receiving are complete acts of love that must occur together and when all parties involved have evolved past egoic responses to life, it is even sweeter.

And with Quid Pro Quo, since we lie as human beings, we may not always be willing to be clear about our true inner and outer expectations. We create invisible contracts that we hold others hostage and that create major breakdowns in communication. Clarity of said expectations is a must for successful outcomes. Trust in both circumstances (of Reciprocity and Quid Pro Quo) is directly related to an agreement between parties, one that is soul-based (unwritten), and another that is real-life (written) agreements.

Clear and direct communication is required in both, the main difference is that when it comes to Reciprocity, flexibility, and fluidity are delicious gifts we give to each other as a sign of trust. Some may argue about losses gained if either party breaks their commitment and that there is “guaranteed protection” with written agreements.

4.

I am not here to argue which type of agreement “protects” us more. I am here to discuss that hard lessons that occur when there is a misalignment in values and in intention by parties involved. Life had to teach me some very hard lessons to get to my own ethos on this. Selfish people exist everywhere, let’s be clear about that. This blog is not about vilifying individualistic cultures like the US and amplifying collective cultures as “model cultures” at all.

As a matter of fact, this juxtaposition stands to explain the aforementioned lesson. I got to understand that regardless of which culture you hail from, living life without understanding the very thick and yet thin line between Reciprocity and Quid pro quo is dangerous to one’s health. There is a necessity within Reciprocity that needs to be honored and there are un-civil ways within the Quid pro quo mentality that we must be aware of.

As I write more about healing, the complete act of love includes giving and receiving to self and others (Reciprocity). But not clearly understanding what consists of these reciprocal exchanges is at the heart of many of our wounds right now.

5.

I am taking this process very seriously and working hard every day to learn and integrate the difference between these two terms within me, especially in the little things. It is a spiritual violation against myself when I don’t understand how necessary Reciprocity is. The key here is discernment, and I don’t always get it right, because giving from a place of joy versus a place of insidious expectation has a very thin yet thick line of difference.

Sometimes you don’t know it until you’re in it or even afterward. The main wound I worked on healing was, that I always could trust myself to know why I give but I didn’t always trust others and their personal ethos about giving. That allowed me to feel “safe” or so I thought because now when I gave, I didn’t have to expect anything from others. At face value, this is not a bad thing but that also meant I didn’t allow others to fully show up for me from their own genuine/reciprocal places of giving. I thought I was protecting myself but instead, it created imbalances and miscommunication where none were needed in the first place. I have put immense effort towards healing this and I am so proud of myself.

6.

I am clear about why I do what I do, about my ethos on these two terms now as a child born of collective culture and adopted by an individualistic one. I have come across those who are still plagued by the invisible contracts others put on them. The unspoken and unsubstantiated expectations that they hold others hostage to and that consequently cause confusion as well as pain.

When there is clarity within us about why we MUST give and receive, why we must reciprocate, it really becomes a spiritual experience and not an egoic endeavor to validating ourselves. Kindness was taught to me by my mother as a virtue and as a spiritual principle to stand on with conviction. It has always been a matter of character, and yes, even a matter of life and death.

Giving without understanding why you give and receiving without understanding what is expected of you from the other is a recipe for spiritual violations against ourselves and others.The wisdom I received about this was clear during this healing journey. I give because it is a part of my spiritual identity, my nature, my being-ness. I don’t want brownie points or prizes neither do I expect them. I am also clear that I am not a doormat or anyone’s fool.

7.

Reciprocity is learned behavior thus boundaries are imperative to assure safety. The dark and uncivil places of Quid pro quo demand that we always “prove” to one another that we are worthy to receive. Reciprocity sits on the understanding that we are deserving of dignity and are inherently worthy from the jump. Spiritual completion asks us to use the wisdom from both. It is important that I repeat this, I am aware that there are people who spiritually violate others in the name of either Reciprocity or Quid Pro Quo. Nihilism is as much a part of us as Kindness is, so choose wisely. Because it is in fact a matter of character as much as it is about the human condition. Moment by moment, one respectable choice at a time, choose whatever term applies to each circumstance with wisdom and choose from a place of vigilance rather than paranoia. It is wise to know the difference, isn’t it?

Call to action:

1. Reach out to a friend or family member for a heartfelt conversation.

2. Practice giving without expecting anything in return (stranger or family).

3. Reflect on your own motives and expectations in your relationships.