1.

I think I may need some of my fellow continental African girls, women and sister-friends to help me process this. This, of course, is coming right after I just did my random rant about YouTube, ha! When I moved to the US, my experience with heterosexual relationships especially how a woman exists in them, was something that I had learned through one cultural lens – a limited lens at that.

Only when I moved to the US did I learn of the concept of “chivalry” as it is defined and lived in the American context. As I would do with most things, I launched into learner mode and did some research. I learned in college that “gallant gestures [through chivalry] have no practical meaning but rather are more symbolic.” And I love symbolism! So, I started to think about how chivalry can transcend from bold gestures to sneakily misogynistic behavior. What was the original intent of these “gallant gestures”? Is there an underlying implication that women are inherently incapable? Is this a part of a grander scheme to incapacitate women as contributing individuals that society will continually complain about whilst simultaneously requiring it? Is this a conspiracy?

2.

And no doubt feminism has had a lot to say about this as well, but that is beside the point. I had entered a chivalry spiral, and it was delicious! There is a traditional practice from my culture called Lobola (Bride Price). This is typically done when two people are getting married, and the groom meets up with the bride’s family to discuss a certain amount of “money” meant to be a gift, thanking the bride’s family for raising a wonderful woman who will now become a part of the groom’s family. Fast forward to modern times, lobola has become grounds for commodifying the female body in many ways. What started off as a “gallant gesture,” symbolic of gratitude and unity between/among families, became a violent battlefield. To imprison women and hold them hostage to lifelong servitude within their marriages. This is one of the many precursors and causes of domestic violence in Zimbabwe. ack to my initial point, can chivalry transcend from being a gesture to being sneakily misogynistic? All I know is that my African eyes had never seen such a thing like what I saw when I moved to the US. A man being thoughtful (even if there may be an agenda, hidden or not), it is the idea that there is some consideration, a courtship, a dance if you will. All cultures have their own version of this, heck even animals even do it!

3.

The agenda is, at the end of this mating call/dance, we are to mate, and the male in the animal kingdom knows to woo the female first. We have turned that mating call/dance into a power play instead of a process towards a relationship. My first reaction to the American brand of chivalry was to be both amused by it and to appreciate it. I can hear some feminists be confused, especially those who know I used to be a feminist.

After being so used to a rather lopsided and/or callous experience of and with men (my own personal and cultural perspective btw), where women are expected to cook, clean, and serve with the sole intent of pleasing the man, chivalry seemed fictional at first glance, and comical at best. True as it may be that these gestures are indeed minute in how they don’t offer much “help” to women, the symbolism of them are powerful to me. I am not sure if it implies incapacity, but to this African woman when I first saw it, it brought hope, a paradigm shift in how men are not just “neanderthals/cavemen and women just damsels.” I looked at it as a choice to be present and thoughtful.

Men can and do have the capacity to hold space for women’s majesty, it just depends on the agenda and each man’s maturity level. It painted the picture clearly of how indeed we are animals. Chivalry is the “dance/courtship” each animal uses to attract their mate. Not a game, a dance. And if honored as such, it would cease to be a power game. Call me naive, I am not sure courtship, and love were ever about exercising power but rather experiencing power through surrender.

Love is a form of power that is not outside of us; thus, it cannot be used to control. It is a form of power being expressed as us, through us, for, and to others. That is why everything else outside of love feels like a game/power play because it is.